My Sadness

Last week, my beloved grandmother passed away unexpectedly. I thought the world would stop.

I had to start putting the brakes on in many parts of my life in November as wedding plans and end of year work were consuming me. Then, just as I felt that I was re-gaining control I was told the news that she was no longer with us early Saturday morning. I’ve experienced death in my family and parents of friends, but no one really close to me – whom I had a very consistent relationship with and memories of. I am devastated and still trying to figure out how to come to peace with such an inevitable event.

I was on a flight home to Tanzania merely 6 hours after I heard the news – after panicking and running around to get a last minute ticket out of Joburg. As short notice as it all was, and the number of days I’d lose at work and wedding plans, I had to be there for her funeral which took place on Sunday. I was back at work and wedding planning on Wednesday.

I thought the world would’ve stopped.

And it dawned on me; this sadness that I’m carrying around, no one else is currently feeling. People are still laughing, joking, carrying on with life. The world seems to have forgotten about the news and wonder why I’m still sad. “You’re getting married! You should be excited!” “Why so sad?” “You should be happy, she would’ve wanted you to be excited”. And I’m tired of people telling me how I should feel. I wear my heart on my sleeve, I always have. I want – and need – to feel it. Process it and get to a place where I’m not spontaneously crying during the day.

With my wedding literally around the corner, I’m a bag of emotional mess. I don’t feel like I’ve had a chance to sit still and breathe. There has been no time. So here I am, taking a moment to share this with you in the hopes that it will alleviate some of the heaviness that’s in my heart. And the few times it feels less heavy is when I remember that the last time I saw her a couple of months ago, she had met my future husband and gladly gave him her stamp of approval. She was so excited for me, and I’m grateful that I was given that chance. I’m looking to God to help me and my family through this so we are not carrying as much sadness on what’s supposed to be my happiest day.

I was named after my grandmother. ‘Aisha’ means life; she who lived. And lived she did.

RIP Bibi x



  1. December 17, 2014 / 10:57 pm

    oh my dear, so sorry to hear about your loss. Carry your grandmother with you in your dreams and your thoughts. It's challenging when one dies so unexpectedly and the world expects you to just carry on. How??

    But you will carry on. And you will breathe again. And you will remember her and laugh when you think of her. I've lost both of my parents and the heartache doesn't go away, the days when you have big news to share will be the hardest, or the days when something really good happens and you think about how they cant experience that joy any more. but you will carry on and live your life, you MUST.

    Live it in remembrance of her, and take her with you on your adventures and discoveries. I wish you the best and my deepest condolences.

    • March 8, 2015 / 6:10 am

      Thank you for your kind and encouraging comment. Although this was last year, I still remember her and it's not as painful anymore. You're right though, it doesn't completely go away but it's thankfully not as hard.

    • March 8, 2015 / 6:07 am

      Thank you Khendis, and we honoured her at both weddings

  2. December 13, 2014 / 11:59 am

    May granny rest in peace , and strongs to you sisi. Hugs

    • March 8, 2015 / 6:07 am

      Thanks Nenyasha

  3. Anonymous
    December 12, 2014 / 9:53 am

    I am very sorry about your loss and your post is very moving and motivating for many people out there. Wishing you strength during this tough time and may her soul rest in peace.

    • March 8, 2015 / 6:06 am

      Thank you for this comment.

  4. Anonymous
    December 11, 2014 / 3:26 pm

    Sorry about your lose dear. Let her memories keep you going. Stay Blessed!

    • December 12, 2014 / 10:01 am

      Thank you 🙂

  5. Anonymous
    December 11, 2014 / 1:59 pm

    Its never easy to forget a loved one over night, I also lost my mother 3 years ago and I miss her everyday of my life. All you have to do just allow yourself time to grieve for your granny so that you can continue with the planning of the wedding.

    • December 12, 2014 / 10:01 am

      Thanks for your reply and so sorry about your mom. I'm confident it'll get 'easier' to live without forgetting.

  6. Anonymous
    December 11, 2014 / 4:16 am

    im so sorry. i dnt know what to say. because i lost my uncle last month. i still dnt believe my uncle is gone forever. keep prayering god will help u to get through. god bless.

    • December 12, 2014 / 10:00 am

      Thank you.

  7. December 10, 2014 / 11:47 am

    I'm really sorry for your loss. Losing someone close to you can shake up your life and leave you feeling disconcerted. I think it's very insensitive for people to tell you how you should feel and react. Yes you have a wedding coming up, but you've also lost your loved grandmother. It is hard. Feel free to cry when you want to, shout if you want to, and pray as much as you can. My uncle died a few weeks before my wedding and even though we weren't close, i felt the grief that my mum, grandparents and aunties were going through. At my wedding I insisted on a moment of silence.

    What I know though is that you will laugh again. Your world will be bright again.

    Take heart. Sending hugs from Nigeria.

    • December 12, 2014 / 9:58 am

      Thanks so much for the kind and understanding words. I am still praying and finding strength from God to help us through. I love the idea of a moment of silence, I will be including that in mine. Thank you 🙂

  8. Anonymous
    December 10, 2014 / 11:01 am

    Hi Aisha, so sad to hear about your gran, I cannot tell you how you feel or how to act however do grieve and let it all out. And just because you are sad now it doesn’t mean you are not excited about your wedding.

    It wasn’t in GOD’s plan for your gran to be at the wedding but it was HIS plan that she leaved as long as she did to leave a mark of her existence in you. You carry her name and her legacy surely everything will be better in time and you will celebrate your wedding day with your family happy keeping in mind that you are cause she was and it was all in HIS plans.

    Hope you find comfort and peace and may you have a fabulous wedding field with all the joy!!

    P.S: I do miss your blogs 

    • December 12, 2014 / 9:53 am

      Hi, thanks for your reply. I appreciate the support and advice, thank you.

  9. Anonymous
    December 10, 2014 / 10:45 am

    Aisha I am really sorry for your loss. I too, recently lost someone I was really close to. I fully understand how you feel, I felt the same way as well. I especially understand when you say that it seems like everyone around you is smiling and carries on joking and being happy while you find yourself in this great sadness. Know that you're not alone. I was able to find some level of comfort by reading some articles about others who have experienced loss and how they also felt the same way, helping me realize that I'm not alone. I would like to share 2 of the articles.
    Although This may not fully alleviate the feelings of despair which you are experiencing now, my hope is that you draw some comfort, as I did.
    I will keep you in my prayers.

    • December 12, 2014 / 9:52 am

      Thank you so much! I wish you had left your name. Thanks for the thoughtful comment.

  10. December 10, 2014 / 7:08 am

    Allow yourself to grieve. It is a necessary part of healing. I lost my parents and grandmother in the space of 6 months and I recall walking down a street one day screaming at the top of my voice on the inside while the world went about it's business in complete oblivion. It is a road only you and those who loved your grandmother as you did can walk. I am sorry for your loss. May the Lord give you strength and healing.

    • December 12, 2014 / 9:51 am

      Thanks Chuwechuwe, for taking the time to repsond to my post. I appreciate it and I'm sorry for your loss too.

  11. Anonymous
    December 9, 2014 / 1:09 pm

    i also felt the same way when my grandmother passed away, i even lost weight, it went on for a while but i thank God he helped me get through the emotions. its nice to know that your name means "life" its good coz then you know your reason for being on earth. we can never get used to someone passing on but we realize that we are still living. congrats on your upcoming wedding you should enjoy it coz you know your granny has already approved it so all will be well. hope you get to a place where your heart is at peace again & let the Lords joy overflow in your life

    • December 12, 2014 / 9:50 am

      Thank you so much for your comment. And I've taken it to heart especially regarding my name and that I too am meant to live. I won't forget her, but I'm starting to get to a place where I'm happy she left me such a gift. I appreciate the support, thank you.

  12. December 9, 2014 / 11:00 am

    Strength to you and your family Aisha… May your grandmother's soul rest in peace

    • December 12, 2014 / 9:48 am

      Thank you.

  13. Manel
    December 9, 2014 / 6:18 am

    I cant even begin to imagine what you are feeling but all I can do is keep you in my prayers, that God would indeed help you.

    • December 12, 2014 / 9:48 am

      Thank you Manel.

  14. Anonymous
    December 8, 2014 / 8:22 pm

    I know exactly what you mean when you said that you "thought the world would stop." When my mother died, it was very rough. Everyone around me was going on with life as usual and I was down in the dumps. She died 14 years ago and I still think about her everyday.

    • December 12, 2014 / 9:47 am

      I'm sorry about your mom, and thank you for sharing your experience. It helps to hear such stories.

  15. Anonymous
    December 8, 2014 / 2:43 pm

    Poleni sana..I lost my gran a few weeks back. It takes time to heal but the pain will subside. God bless.

    • December 12, 2014 / 9:46 am

      Asante sana

  16. December 8, 2014 / 10:36 am

    I agree with the previous post but the world will continue to turn. I never met you grandma but I'm sure her desire for you would be to live up to your shared name and live.
    I've seen people incorporate those that have died into their wedding by wearing something of theirs or even having their photo in a chair.

    • December 12, 2014 / 9:46 am

      Thanks Nina

  17. Anonymous
    December 8, 2014 / 8:44 am

    Pole sana my dear…just grieve for as long as you want..everything has a beginning and an end, soon you will find peace with the idea and life will go on

    • December 12, 2014 / 9:45 am

      Asante, thank you for your comment.

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