Before I got married, I remember hearing the term ‘date night’ and thinking really? How unspontaneous do our lives become when we get married? Obviously, I didn’t know how hectic life would get; between work, family and the boring ol’ other day to day stuff, squeezing in a sweet date was already challenging. Now add in a baby and it’s a whole different ball game. I recently had a date weekend with my husband. Yes my baby is less than a year old and yes I do want to spend all day everyday with him, but I also love my husband and our relationship is important too. If it’s something you don’t already regularly do, I definitely suggest…well, doing it. Having children basically means surrendering your time. It no longer belongs to you. In order for me to have even a moment to myself, I need to plan at least a week in advance, make sure someone can mind him and hope he’ll remember me when I’m done. Never mind spending time with my hubby.
I’ve been having this chat with a few of my mommy friends and it seems something many are trying to figure out. Let’s be honest, after waking up from a night of interrupted sleep, being spat up on, poop explosions, making bottles, puréeing foods, tidying up the nursery for the umpteenth time and getting supper ready, by the time you’ve finally put the little one down all you want to do is sleep. But you still have to sterilise the bottles for the midnight feeds, prep his clothes for the morning, do a load of laundry…and…and…and. Looking cute and sexy for hubby is far down the list of things to do. Plus, during the few minutes we get to chat maybe over dinner, we’re talking family budget, what baby got up to today, groceries *yawn*. I get it. It’s the story of my life. And that’s why we’ve made it a priority to put aside dedicated time to spend with each other. We adore our son, but we still adore each other too. We know if we don’t, it’ll go from being a month to a year to three years since we’ve had proper grown up time. I recently told my friend who’s going through this that yes, you’re a mom but you’re also his wife and best friend. And putting aside your hubby’s needs for a moment, as a woman, you need that timeout too.
Here are my tips on how to get some much needed grown up time:
Identify a trusted family member or friend
My side of the family doesn’t live here. So I’m really grateful that my husband’s side of the family do. Kai’s grandparents are more than willing and very excited to take care of him on a weekend, every month. Especially because it means they have dedicated time with him which they love. We drop him off on the Saturday morning and fetch him on Sunday afternoon. Our arrangement is a win-win situation for everyone: Kai gets to have proper time with his grandparents, they bond with him and we get some time to ourselves to whatever we want to do; have some dinner, watch a show, or just cuddle at home. The most we’ve done that for is two nights. I know this may be difficult for some so if you don’t have family nearby, consider doing what my colleague does. She takes turns with her friend to take care of each other’s kids. So one weekend all the kids are at her house, the next month, they’re at her friends’. This gives them time to do their own thing without having to worry about their kids. Another option is to ask your nanny (if you have one) or a trusted neighbour to help on the day. The overtime you pay your caretaker will be worth it.
Yes it’s unsexy and unspontaneous but how else will you have dedicated time to do it? We diarise every single thing we do these days but not always the important things. The way I see it, doing so is better than not doing it at all. Pick a day and stick to it. I’ve put our dedicated weekend in my phone calendar and blocked off that weekend every month. If other plans come up I say, sorry I’m busy, let’s do it some other time. Some people in your life may not understand and try to pressure you out of spending time with your man. “But you see him all the time, you live with him!” If this is you, you don’t have to tell people what you’re up to, just say you’re unavailable and schedule their plans for another time.
Take baby (haha) steps
Leaving your baby – whether with family or babysitter – isn’t easy. So ease yourself and your baby into it. Do a date day a couple of times until you’re comfortable then try doing it overnight if you can. The most days I’ve been away from Kai is for four nights, when I travelled for my friend’s wedding late last year and that was absolute torture! So I’ve reduced my maximum to two nights and that’s a nice comfortable amount of time to spend quality time with my husband. Do whatever makes sense for you. Try a whole day, or one night or a whole weekend. Plan around it and get excited for it. My husband and I always look forward to our alone time like we’re in high school. We make a point to plan something to do so we’re still actually dating each other.
Try not to feel too guilty
As women, it’s so easy for us to feel guilty about taking time out because the media and society tells us that once we become mothers, it’s the be all or end all. Keep in mind you’re still a person, a woman. You still need comfort, attention and affection. You’re always taking care of the house and the people in it, let this be a time for you to be taken care of. Let him look after you. At the end of the day, you were a couple before you had your new addition. You’d laugh together, discuss current affairs, tease each other and most importantly, you’d connect with one another. You were friends before the baby came and you need to now make more of an effort to continue being so. It’s also really important for your child to see that mommy and daddy really love each other, they’re best of friends. It’ll help them to form a healthy view on marriage and relationships. If you have a boy, he’ll take cues on how to treat his future wife and your little girl will learn how to be treated by her future partner. Everyone stands to benefit.
Those are my tips on how to make some time for your man, without feeling as guilty as I could have, or in some people’s opinions…as I should have. Ha!
How do you make time for your man?
Photography by Rennee Hollingshead
Shared on the parenting portal Baby Yum Yum
What a great piece…something we are all aware of but like you say, don’t prioritise it. Im definitely taking your tip of adding it on to our diaries, cause I think we often time cancel it to make plans for other things. We also don’t have family around, so it does get tricky…my next mission is to now play nice and try the colleague idea. My little one is 16 months and I am yet to have a night off (the guilt always got the better of me) but you have really just challenged my thinking and honestly like you say, my husband and I need the dating kinda love back. 🙂
Hi Vusi, thanks for reading and chiming in. So glad my post has challenged your thinking. Take it a step at a time.The more you do it, the easier it’ll get. I’m so sad how we’re constantly beating ourselves up with the guilt stick. But what the world forgets is that a happy mommy = happy baby 🙂
Thanks to some really great friends (You know who you are *winkwink* ), I gathered the courage to leave the baby behind for a weekend and have a getaway..Already looking forward to our monthly getaways. It’s so important to find your couple time. And it’s hella true…it gets easier with time..
Lol, good on you Jojo. You never realise how much you need it until you do it and once you start, it’ll get easier!
So true honey! Great advise.. the more you do it?the less guilty you feel and it’s nice that baby gets to know extended family!
Exactly, everyone benefits from it. I’ve learnt I can’t be selfish with my child, not completely. It’s good for him and for us 😊
Thank you. Good tips
You’re welcome hon, thanks for reading 😊
Wow I needed this reminder. I’ve gotten so caught up in the being a mommy zone. Are you still breastfeeding? If so, How does Kai handle not breastfeeding when you are away?
Hey Maps, yup it’s so easy to do that we forget our original no. 1s. Yup I’m still breastfeeding but now he’s on solids it’s not too bad as I don’t do it that often anyway. Before, I’d pump to keep my milk supply up and that extra milk will be used during the week while I’m at work. Hope that helps?